A Suicide Note - Not mine!
I'm a techie, I like all things technology, learning about what's new and what can make my life "easier". Because of this love for all things technology, I
follow several blogs and twitter feeds which give me my daily dose of Tech Crack. Today, I read a post about a programmer named Bill Zeller.
Bill committed suicide on Sunday night and left a note explaining why. The blog post on gizmodo.com explains who Bill is, and has his suicide note directly quoted. If you click on the link you can read the entirety of his note, however, WARNING: the letter is disturbing and explicit.
If you don't read the letter, I don't blame you. I'll summarize; Bill gave two reasons why he committed suicide:
1. He was brutally molested when he was growing up and it left him scarred for life.
2. He felt like he couldn't feel love. His parents are professing Christians who kicked him out of their house and apparently were never able to express love to him.
Bill says some things in his letter that I thought I should comment on but before I do, I wanted to just say that my heart breaks for him, his desperation and deep sorrow are not lost on me. He could have been made new and I know God's heart brakes for him too, I wish he could have seen relief from his "darkness".
Bill says, "I feel an evil inside me. An evil that makes me want to end life. I need to stop this. I need to make sure I don't kill someone, which is not something that can be easily undone. I don't know if this is related to what happened to me or something different. I recognize the irony of killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else, but this decision should indicate what I'm capable of."
There is an evil, Bill. I wish you could have seen relief from that, I'm sure it hurt and I can't imagine the pain but Jesus cares, He could have helped you with the evil, He makes all things new.
He also wrote about his parents (who are "fundamentalist Christians"), "They take advantage of people looking for hope by teaching them to practice the same hatred they practice."
Why, Lord, can't people who proclaim you, be responsible for our actions. If I misrepresent, please Lord, let me see it and change.
I'm saddened by a life which could have been changed. I'm angry that we have the HOPE OF THE WORLD in us and we hide Him.
I'm hopeful that my eyes have been opened by Bill. I appreciate him being honest, I wish he could have been honest to someone who could have shared Jesus with him.
RIP Bill Zeller.